Because that is what I’m asking myself right now; in fact I’ve been mulling this over for the last day or so.
I had a moment – to be fair to myself I’ve had many ‘moments’ since leaving my city job – the last 10 days have been a roller coaster of grief, sadness, joy, excitement and exhaustion.
I’ve spent hours trawling through social media, during which I’ve only ended up to my emotional mash up.
Then I had my realisation – what others are doing doesn’t matter – it’s what YOU are doing that matters.
So I then looked around at what I was doing. Mainly being positive, doing my exercise, sending out emails, making phone calls and brainstorming (myself) and attempting to parent my children, hell I even managed to cook several times for my husband.
But then I had my moment, the one that made me feel so crappy and s***y that I just wanted to dissolve.
I was reading my youngest daughter two of her Winnie the Witch books.
As I was reading them to her, she started to talk about the pictures. I of course, wanted to read the book to her. But she wanted to talk to me, to chat to me, she didn’t want to rush, she wanted mummy time. But I, well I wanted to rush through that book so I could sink in the sofa downstairs.
This is not unusual. When I was getting home from work sometimes 8pm or later (having left before my daughters got up) I would be reading Izzy a book feeling dog tired and most likely irritable, wanting my dinner.
But I had not been in London and I had not been at work. So why was I rushing this precious time with my daughter. Then I thought, I am always rushing, and I have been for the past two years (at least).
My daughter is only four, that is half her little life. My realisation ended up with my abandoning bedtime and taking her downstairs. All via a tearful phone call to my mum and the decision that this night was not the night to go to rehearsals of our am dram’s latest production (I will blog about that and let you know where it is etc- another time).
Even if do go back to full time work in an office, I will not rush the time I spend with my daughters.
Time is so precious, I’m glad I’m realising that now.